Step Two: Letting The Dust Settle
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Step Two: Letting The Dust Settle
Before attempting reconciliation it's vital that you retreat to seperate corners and prepare for your comeback.
In this article, I discuss the reasons why your ex boyfriend needs time and why you do to.
I know being seperated from your beloved makes you feel frantic, like you have to hurry and get your ex back before it's too late.
Neither you nor your ex is ready for contact let alone reconciliation.
First let's talk about your ex's need for some breathing room.
Your ex left for a reason. He or she has been unhappy with the relationship for some time. That's why your ex left in the first place! Even though the break up may have occurred abruptly, you need to realize that, for your ex, it was a long time coming; the split did not materialize out of nowhere.
It's important for you to remember that your ex isn't in the same headspace that you're in. You've been left and you want him or her back. But he or she left because the relationship wasn't working for him or her. The last thing your ex wants right now is to come back home.
This last statement is all the more true if you are the one who left, but have had a change of heart. You now have even more of an uphill battle of regaining and rekindling feelings of love.
As much as you want to get your ex back, you need to consider what happens when you try to change somenone's mind: The walls get taller and thicker. The resistance grows stronger.
As Ignatius of Loyola, the famous mystic and founder of the Sesuit Order said regarding influencing others: “You should enter through their door but have them leave though yours.”
Or to quote the popular phrase, “If you can't beat 'em join 'em.” To dissolve your ex's resistance to reconciling, you must put your foot on his side of the emotional fence. Don't try to talk your ex out of his anger, doubts, fears and dissappointments. You need to get inside your ex's heart and head and truly understand where he is coming from. Joining the resistance is the first step toward dissolving the wall that separates you now.
At this point, the only appropriate communication is a one-time handwritten note, email or voicemail message (yes, I mean call when you know that you can't talk live!) that you have been thinking it over and you're beginning to realize why he was so unhappy and felt that breaking up was the only answer. That's it. Hand up, put a sock in it, click “off,” shut up. You get the point.
If you are the one who did the leaving, your version of the message should be some version of: “I am sorry I was not able to meet your needs,” or “I understand better why I was not able to meet your needs.”
This message is going to percolate in your ex's mind and heart and begin the healing process for him. Yes, I do mean that your ex needs to heal too. It's important for you to keep in mind that your ex is hurting as well. If he left you, then in his mind you did a lot of things wrong. Up to this point your ex hasn't felt that you truly understood his feelings. If your ex had felt understood by you, truly understook, he wouldn't have left in the first place. The way to change that perception is to show that you're now aware of and concerned about his feelings.
In the case where you initiated the breakup, making this statement will be even more intriguing, since in your ex's mind, he somehow let you down. Now you're turning the tables and saying that you feel you let him down and were not able to meet his needs. Of course, this has to be sincere, so think about whether or not this is true. I bet if you look closely enough, you will find that no matter how much your ex let you down, you let him down as well to some degree. Remember what I said in the beginning: relationships fail because both parties are not meeting each other's needs.
It is also true taht sometimes people will break off a relationship becuase they don't know how to give or relate to another person and don't have the emotional ability to meet their partner's needs. This in turn makes them feel inadequate, and they terminate the relationship becuae it is not making them feel good about themselves.
It is also very important to remind yourself that you want to control yourself especially when it comes to your ex. Remember, if you don't control yourself at home, you won't lose your job, you'll lose your relationship.
Until you are skilled at properly handling your emotions, you are far from ready to approach your ex. Now, I want you turn to yourself, chill out and heal.
The more healed you are the more attractive you will be to your ex. Let's face it; wounded pups aren't that attractive. Nor is desperation, insecurity, begging, pleading, following, and generally pushing too hard and too fast.
By far, one of the best techniques for getting your boyfriend back are taught by relationship guru Matt Huston. Check out this incredible Free Audio Clip on the first moves you should be making after your boyfriend breaks up with you.
Filed under: Win Back Your Ex Boyfriend
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