Get him back: Its a process, Step One
By far, one of the best techniques for getting your boyfriend back are taught by relationship guru Matt Huston. Check out this incredible Free Audio Clip on the first moves you should be making after your boyfriend breaks up with you.
Step One: Where did we go wrong?
In this first step, I provide a general overview that explains why your relationship fell apart. When you understand what was missing in the relationship, you will realize how simple it is to reignite your love and make your relationship even stronger than it was before the break up.
In subsequent articles, I offer step-by-step instructions that will help you to draw your ex back into your loving arms.
How did you end up here?
Before I lay out the steps you need to reconcile with your ex, it’s vital to understand why your relationship unraveled in the first place.
What I’m about to say may sound overly simplistic, but I promise you, it’s true: The simple truth is that your relationship fell apart because both you and your ex failed to meet each other’s needs.
In reality, all humans are nearly identical when it comes to what they need to be happy in a relationship. The good news is these needs are not complicated.
When you understand these universal needs, you will instantly grasp what was missing for your ex, and what you need to do to bring your ex back and motivate him to stay with you forever.
So what is this universal, driving need that all living creatures share?
The need is simple: Seek pleasure and avoid pain.
In relationship terms this means that we are all drawn to people who trigger pleasurable, positive feelings in us; people who make us feel good when we’re around them. In fact, research out of University of Washington’s research yielded the finding that for a relationship to survive couples must maintain what’s called the “Five to One Ratio.” Simply put, each and every day couples must offer five positive communications for every one negative communication. If couples don’t keep this up, according to statistics, their relationship will be dead within 5 years.
To cut to the chase, if you want to get your ex back and you want to motivate him to stay with you forever, you must do three things:
1) Heal the emotional damage you suffered from the break up and boost positive feelings within yourself.
2) Rekindle your ex’s positive feelings for you.
3) Re-establish trust by proving that you aren’t on your best behavior just to win him back; you have really grown and changed, meaning the positive feelings are here to stay!
Since you’ve been in trouble for a while, we both know that you’re facing an uphill battle. But don’t worry. I’ll show you how to tip the scales from negative back to positive. I know how to get you there.
Relationship essential nutrients
Positive feelings flow when couples provide each other with what I call Relationship essential nutrients.
Think about the human body: it thrives when it is fed essential nutrients and it dies when it’s deprived of these nutrients. A relationship is no different. If it is not constantly being fed its own essential nutrients, it , too disintegrates. When these essential nutrients are missing, or are not delivered at the right frequency , conflict and fighting overtake the relationship. It’s not long before the relationship falls apart.
Once you realize what these relationship essential nutrients are, you will quickly see what’s been missing in your relationship all along. Provide these ingredients and your ex will have the right feelings about you, the relationship and about him or himself in the relationship. It is these positive feelings that will make your ex want to come back to you and stay.
Relationship essential nutrients for a man
It’s important to realize that what a man needs from a relationship is very different from what a woman needs.
Let’s start with what a man needs from his partner.
Give Him Two “A”s
Men are raised to make things happen, to act and product.
When a man loves a woman, he is wired to move heaven and earth to make her happy.
In turn, a man needs to feel that his woman values what he DOES for her. In short, men need to be “A”dmired and “A”ppreciated for their strength, power, achievements, as well as their efforts to protect and provide for their women and offspring. These are the two “A”s.
Most relationships go sour for men because women nag and complain about what their man is NOT doing right. In no time, a guy feels useless as a man, which causes him to give up on his partner and find another woman who does value him. Since couples tend to shower each other with praise during the honeymoon phase, it is easy for a many to feel seduced by the rewards of another new relationship in which he feels unconditionally appreciated. When a man gets appreciation from his partner, he doesn’t need to go looking elsewhere for it.
To have a happy relationship or marriage, the savvy women knows that she must directly state what she wants and what pleases her rather than complain after the fact over what she didn’t get.
Now I know my women readers may be thinking: “If a man loves me, he should know what I want without my having to tell him!”
I’m here to tell you that nothing could be farther from the truth!
Let me explain. Many people come to adult relationships dragging unhealed wounds from childhood. One common wound comes from having been raised by a mother who wasn’t properly “attuned” to your needs when you were very young, a mom who wasn’t sensitive enough to know what you needed when you were too young to speak your needs. If mom didn’t sense and meet your needs way back when, you will come to adulthood expecting your partner to guess your needs and fill in the missing blanks within yourself.
This wound is one of the many possible reasons why a woman might expect her man to read her mind and guess what she wants (or she may state the opposite of what she wants, expecting her partner to guess what she really means). She is looking for her partner to mother her the way her own mother should have.
Now hear me and hear me good. Men are not wired to be mind readers. No man on earth can be expected to make up for missing mothering. For one thing, they don’t have breasts (not unless they eat too much chicken!) Expecting them to pick up where mother failed is just a formula for failure.
You must get it through your head that expecting a man to mind read is just not part of the job description.
So if a woman wants a relationship that works, she must directly state what she wants.
But there’s more. Remember we’re talking about creating a positive feeling in a man by giving him the relationship essential nutrients that he needs.
Well, when a woman says what she wants and her man responds to her needs, he must receive positive feedback from his woman (remember the two A’s: admiration and appreciation).
The smart woman knows that she must encourage a man to continue doing what works for her by verbally acknowledging and appreciating his efforts (women need the same kind of consideration, of course!). This is simple conditioning. Think of pavlov’s dogs. Pavlov blew the whistle when he served food to his dogs. Soon the dogs associated of a feeding. It didn’t take long for the dogs to salivate at the mere sound of the whistle, even when no food was offered.
People are no different from dogs. When you feed (meaning praise) a behavior that you like, the person you praise is motivated to continue that behavior, since the behavior is associated with pleasure.
I know my women readers may be thinking at this point. Why should I have to reward him for doing what he’s supposed to do? Well think about how a baby learns to walk. He’s supposed to walk, true, but he’ll never learn how to walk if his parents don’t praise his efforts with smiles and cheers.
Grownups are no different.
Since all humans seek praise, when a woman offers adequate admiration and appreciation, she is fueling a man to continue doing what she likes. In fact, the praise that a woman offers her man is actually a gift that she gives to herself!
The point is, men will go to the ends of the earth and slay countless dragons to please the women they love. So long as a man feels that he is pleasing his women, he’ll never stop. When praise stops, a man loses all motivation to continue strong positive feelings for each other. It is your strong feelings, properly channeled, that can reignite the flame of love that still burns beneath the smoldering ashes of anger and hurt. It is only this flame that will bring you both back together.
No techniques, strategies or memorized lines will have any positive effect on rekindling your love and reconciling you with your ex if your words and actions aren’t backed by the ‘right’ feelings. Because feelings are infectious, if you give your ex the right feelings about you, your relationship and about him or herself in the relationship, you will trigger the “right” feelings toward you.
Positive feelings are like sparks that can rekindle your love and also the glue that binds you together for life. ‘
When all might seem lost at the moment, consider the possibility that your love is not gone but merely buried by emotional debris. The only way to revive the relationship is to resuscitate those loving feelings.
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Filed under: Getting Back Your Ex
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